Thirteen Days of Night
by clarissa . GUTOWSKI
Summary: Toshiro Hitsugaya has always been known as the one with the frozen facade and an icy plain of a heart. But only he knows what has transpired between Kurerisa Gyutosuki, his 3rd seat, and himself. But what other secrets can they unravel? - M for future.
1. REMINISCE, Gyutosuki

▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ → OYASUMANISAI ＊ Tenshin Shugoshin _**!**_ **Kurerisa Meri Gyutosuki**

" _Good Night Guardian Angel "_

"You don't remember me."

The words brought a new sense of agony within my heart and a wrench of pain within my very soul. I gulped back the tears as I coward backwards from the boy, tumbling to the coarse ground as my feet catch upon a ridged rock. I gasp for air and clutch a pair of cold arms around myself, as if I were holding myself together. I clutched so hard, my nails digging into my unnervingly unfamiliar flesh, as if I were to split apart in any second. I was falling apart. Nothing was right.

The boys firm, cold eyes etched harshly into my own, as if he were analyzing my every move, watching with an expression that would identify that he hadn't a care for what he saw. He just watched, mouth shut and intense turquoise eyes examining my disturbing movements.

"Stop that." His hoarse voice finally escaped through his taut lips. I looked up to see his arms both stiffly removing the ones that were attached to myself. _Why do I feel his touch? These arms aren't mine. _The sharp talons released their grip from within the surface of the skin that suffered like mine. My breathing caught as I thrust him away with a quick jolt of the foot that didn't belong to me.

A look of sheer shock washes over his face as he releases the grip on the arms before me. I trip and plunge back once again, as he stands slowly and casts a shadow over the feminine body extended beneath me. I reveal my sense of fear as I gasp at the dense air.

"You don't remember me." He repeated again, and I opened my mouth, only to have nothing release but a hiss. I feel my heavy head fall to the chest underneath.

"Who are you?" I shout unexpectedly, feeling the words vibrate up through the stiff throat I found, hearing the voice that cracks by a thousand slits echo into the young night.

"… Please," The boy dropped his head, voice softening for a mere second. "Ask yourself that."

I released the breath that I had been holding in as my vision blurred.

_Who are you?_

I looked down to the filthy hands covered in blood that lay across the curved long legs. I twitched the toe of the right foot. My eyes broaden.

"… This is me?" The same alien voice escapes my mouth as the thought expands within my aching head, contemplation reverberating about the body I can now feel shiver and shudder beneath me.

"Your name is Kurerisa."

He feels my vision search his lowered head and looks back to meet my eyes.

"Kurerisa Meri Gyutosuki." He continued, stooping down towards me. The moonlight shone through his strands of silver hair, the access light nearly blinding my tender eyes. My heart sank as I realized that this girls' forename… he meant to say it belonged to me… but it didn't.

"N-no." I stated, forcefully and swiftly taking his sleeveless haori within both of my newfound fists, dragging his face in with much struggle so that his inhuman like features were displayed only inches before mine. "How would you know," My voice sounding raw and ravenous for air, "… who are you?"

A cold, icy hand snatched one of my palms away from his vest, clutching it with enough force for me to shatter my notice back to his eyes, suddenly swarming with silent emotion. I held my tongue as his tight lips opened once more. "My name is Toshiro Hitsugaya." His eyes closed.

"You don't remember me," He sucked in the surrounding air, thin but enough, between our two faces. "I'm not sure if you want to." His pupils appeared once more as he forced his eyes open. They were yet again bitter and harsh. "Do you remember anything?"

"Should I?" My voice sounded soft for the first time I had heard, the voices in my head overlapping my common sense. I heard my breathing come ragged again as some new source of pain overlies my being. I promptly steal my hand from his, bringing it to seize upon the stomach I felt searing with throbbing. I free a low whimper of unaware.

"Kurerisa?" He manages to murmur, before filching me by the shoulders. "What's wrong?"

All I can do is unlock my mouth so a trickle of something hot and irony seeps down my chin, and quiver as the feverish squall of heat runs up my bent spine. I scream.

"Kurerisa!" He shouts sternly, taking me in both arms now, façade infuriated. If I could have, I would have surely felt his heartbeat through his chilling chest- but the sounds of my own pulse and screaming is much too loud for me to have focused on any other. The whole body I wasn't able to conclude was mine in the first place was now convulsing with the most gruesome shocks of severe agony I could ever had anticipated. The same thing stressed through my head;

_Wake up._

_Wake up._

_It's just a bad dream._

_Please, wake up._

I did wake up. I woke up to a bright light and the same, unrecognizable boy, nearly two hundred years ago. Now that event is only a nightmare. A terrifying memory that would haunt me for an eternity. And, literally, an inner war between my very soul and power.

It's not quite a memory, I fail to deduce. I still feel this inner torture nearly every night of my frightfully painful life as a shinigami. Some nights I feel so weak- like I know I could fight this reduction of myself. But most nights I just wallow in the pain and hide within the outskirts of the Seireitei. I hide this verity well. In fact, I only have one other person who knows of this daily occurrence.

Toshiro Hitsugaya, my superior, Captain of the Tenth Division of the Gotei 13 was once the little boy who had saved me those two centuries ago. He was my _only_ source of knowing.

My memory was permanently lost that night. How could I trust what anyone alleged but him? As sore for myself as one would assume I could be, I rather never have sought to reconcile my own feelings about my loss. I just keep on moving forward, avoiding looking back.

I remember the morning I awoke from my coma. And the way that Hitsugaya Taichou looked at me. That was the last time I had ever saw any sense of worry or empathy from him. That simply wasn't of his character. So I have come to terms to try and bear in mind that this Taichou is different from the one I knew that one day.

I appreciated that I share that connection with my Taichou. I'm not sure if many others have ever seen him like that. For some reason, I almost wish I hadn't, still, despite the fact that it was a special moment for me. Perhaps it was the fact that I was teased- he dangled his sympathy before my very eyes, and then snatched it away. Or maybe it was because I knew I shouldn't have these feelings that I do for him. Either way, if it weren't for him, my world wouldn't work.

I can't really describe it- that feeling of falling, of knowing that someone could catch you, but yet they still won't for whatever reason they have. The indisputable knowing that no matter what you do, you could never be good enough, or even that fact that you would give anything for them, and accepting that they wouldn't dare do the same.

I guess it could be just that I am so in deep I don't even desire to escape. Living in that intoxicating numbness that heartbreak can offer you. It feels so treacherously deviant.

What would Taichou say if he heard of my feelings- no doubt, a twinge of disgust? But I can acknowledge that. I can exist with knowing that… but not live at all.

I just guess that this world can never be what I expected.

And maybe that's because this world, this life, continues to move past me as I stand in hurt involuntarily. So I really don't see why I should ever complain. If I really wanted to get out, I would go. But why not stay and enjoy the burning on the inside?

Taichou would think I have gone mad. Maybe I have. But at least I have a fair deal of excuse-

"Gyutosuki." An all too memorable voice addressed.

_Well, well. Speak of the devil._

"Hitsugaya Taichou." I turned around with an awkward motion and bit my lip as I flushed of absolute alarm. I ducked my head to display my evident respect of his authority.

"What are you doing out so late?" He asked, a sort of suspicion lurking in his voice.

"Midnight stroll, Taichou," I lied within raising my head to his eye level again "may I ask the same of you? Or is it confidential?" I almost smirked at my slight taunt.

"I couldn't sleep." His voice lowered as he looked away from me. "If this is so, though- allow me to escort you on your walk." Toshiro's voice sounded all too much convincing to decline.

We walked in silence for what felt like hours. This was one of those nights when the only source of light in the sky appeared to be the moon, and even our silhouettes were lost in the vast of the forest outside of the Seireitei. After several more minutes of soundless, unguided walking, I suddenly turned to Toshiro, feeling the hurt settling in upon my face,

"Who do you love?"

His face remained forwards, even as he caught his breath and step. His eyes fell onto me. I could feel it. The wind picked up, too, at that moment- leaves tousling my near bare legs.

"What?" Was all he put out, before slowly turning to face me. The moon illuminated every segment of muscles and features on his face, reminding me once again of that horrid dream. My hand clutched into a fist as a shudder ripped down my spine.

"_Who… do you love?_" I emphasized my entire inquiry with a sore look and a dead tone. The wind picked up again, and my bangs plunged down into my chocolate, raw eyes. The silence was insufferable.

"No one." He finally answered with a straight-faced gaze. I thought I saw his head twitch sideways as he realizes the glistening tear fall down my supple cheek. He grunts at my unexpected break down.

"Kurerisa… what's wrong?" He grimaces, letting his crossed arms drop to his sides.

"Nothing." I lied with a mop of my sleeve to my moistened chin. "But how can you say that?"

"Say _what_?"

"That you don't love anyone."

"… Simply because that's the truth," He growls and moves forward without me, showing his true antipathy towards the matter "And I don't think that should be any kind of a dilemma." I can just stand and watch him walk away, my heart sinking far down into my chest.

"Taichou!" I call out finally, catching up to him, just realizing how unfeasibly frosty is was within the midnight air and lack of daylight.

He turns to me. I stop.

His countenance had changed so much from that one night. I remember that essential innocence that had covered his regular irritable façade, and even the way he carried himself. I could detect the utter loss of concern and general insecurities. If there were any, no one could have ever identified.

I wanted to ask him what happened. I wanted to know what tainted him. I just wanted to distinguish everything that went wrong. I knew fewer about myself then I did about him… and I scarcely even knew_ him_ at this point. What did that declare about me? That I was selfish for the knowledge of him? Or that I was inevitably loyal to someone who will never heed? There he stood. I could ask him anything I wanted to.

"No one? How more inhuman could someone be?" I refused to give into the regret of my sour words, even as he gives a look that could kill. "No individual? Not even Matsumoto? Or Hinamori? Or Hyourinmaru? You wouldn't give your life to spare any of them?-"

"What a foolish way of classifying what love is. You're so naïve." His monotone words sliced into me like a sword to the heart. I fought back my tears more as my temper childishly increased.

"Is that so, Taichou? Then, since you're so much smarter than me, why don't you tell me what it is to be loved? To own love? To feel it? What is it?" I screeched into the night. His eyes tapered into two slits of ultimate rage, as mine inquiringly searched his face for any indication of care.

"Love is the hurt that one is so foolishly attached to, assuming there is no better in the world. Love is allowing someone to hurt you to no extent, allowing them to kill you. Love makes you weak and is no more powerful than detestation or anything else in the world." He scowled and released quickly, as if to make his point clear as quickly as achievable.

"You're wrong." I sniveled, forcing my voice to remain level.

"Love is the good in the world. It is the thing that connects every soul together, that allows two to intemperately suffocate in the desires of each other. It is the beating of every heart. It allows someone to do anything for another, and they don't care. I don't care." I let my eyes drop. "Do you?"

"I know what you're trying to do." He snarled, smoothing one hand through his wind-stroked hair and then letting it fall to his side imprecisely with a sigh. "If I say I _don't_ care, then you'll be able to prove yourself further. But if I say I _do_ care, that stands by its self. It's a failed attempt at trying to get to my head." He let his eyes fall, too.

"What's in your head, Taichou? Is there anything I don't know that I should?"

"What do you think?"

"I think so."

"Then you think absolutely wrong." He grunted. I gape at his dead expression.

"Apparently you don't care. You don't care about anyone, do you? Wow. I guess I am stupid. I should have known someone as heartless as you couldn't…"

"_Couldn't_ what?" He deepened his darkened defiant stare.

"You couldn't love, _especially not me_." I scoffed. I couldn't stand it anymore. I just ignored his stare. I couldn't tolerate the thought of seeing his stone cold eyes again. I was already dying enough as it was. "Good night, Toshiro." Was all I could make out before quickly walking past him without any resonance or gaze.

None of that, I can say entirely truthfully, was intended to happen. All I wanted was to walk with him for one night. I couldn't resist. And there I had to go, doing what I do best- ruining everything.

Even now, with the tears flowing swiftly as I duck under branches and flash step as quickly as I could maintain away from where he stood, the thoughts ravage over my head and leave me restless as the pathway goes on and on. My feet start burning with such intensity, that I can barely continue. But I do, afraid that if I were to stop, Taichou would find me and question my sanity.

I started to question it myself. What did I just do? I messed everything up, that's what.

Still, was it crazy for me to have hope?

Maybe it was, considering Taichou's never-ending temperament towards the scientifically weak… I guess that's how I could put it. But, nonetheless-

I could only hope, like I always have. Hope is the only thing I own, the only thing I ever had besides Taichou's company… but even that could be gone now. And I don't know what I could do, but hope in the essence of the fact nothing will ever happen or change, even now.

Sometimes, I guess, hoping is hopeless.


	2. NOSTALGIA, Hitsugaya

▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ → OYASUMANISAI ＊ Kirei Sakura _**!**_ **Toshiro Hitsugaya**

" _Good Night Pretty Cherry Blossom "_

Kurerisa Meri Gyutosuki. It was a name that was hard to forget, but painful to remember, probably more so for her than even I. There are many things I could say about her, I won't be a bastard about it, but, you know- you can't tell someone about their past sometimes. I can't explain it.

She was one of those people you just couldn't upset. And, if you did, it would make you feel like hell in the long run. Even _that_ I can't explain. She's so different than anyone else in the world- she could care sometimes, and then turn bitter in a second flat. I don't know how she does that. How she can be so many different people at once. I'm so accustomed to just seeing the same faces, the same attitudes. And yet she's ever-changing every day. It's almost perplexing.

I walked in through the gates of the 10th Squad barracks, finally, to feel once again as home as I ever could be. Even though I'm not sure what a home quite could ever feel like, this was as close as I assumed I would ever get. And knowing that made me breathe a little easier.

Although a smile I could assure wouldn't illustrate my steady inhaling, and I felt just that much better, of course Kurerisa was on my mind. She was getting harder to forget more and more so by every day that passed. I didn't know why. It was just so. And it bothered me.

I sat down at my desk, stifling a yawn as my eyes drape over the half-finished paperwork.

"Damnit, Matsumoto…" I growled under my breath, placing my hands stubbornly on the papers.

"Yes Taichou!?" Rangiku's wispy voice came from the other end of the room. I hid my surprise and quickly raised my head to the sight of my lieutenant.

"What have you been doing all the time that this has been sitting here?" I gestured irately towards the stack of documents and gave her a quizzical stare.

"… I was starving Taichou! I couldn't resist… I almost fainted, and you wouldn't have wanted that, right? And so I had to eat-", I cut her off quickly with the raise of my palm.

"And so this is the excuse this time? At least tell me you didn't eat the amanattō I was saving."

Rangiku pursed her full lips together and twiddled her index fingers.

"MATSUMOTO." I complained in an overly boisterous moan, slamming my palm against the wooden desk. "Not doing your work is one thing, but stealing my provisions is another."

Rangiku Matsumoto was my faithful Fukutaichou, or second in command. She seemed to be everything that I could ever want in a second hand- except for her work habits, or lack thereof. She was very popular in the Soul Society, known as the partier (a title I wish she didn't accept) with large breasts. It is true; she had a very curvaceous figure, which she liked to show off with leaving her robes hang loose from her ample chest. She tends to refer to her body herself, a lot, as well.

She placed both hands behind her back and gives me an apathetic look. "I'm so sorry, Taichou, however could I make it up to you?" She batted her eyelashes.

"Just get out." I rolled my eyes. There was never any use in fighting with her.

"Are you sure, Taichou? I'll do anything to repay you." She almost sang to me.

"_Out_." Was all I said before she gave me an outsized grin, bowing her head before she left.

Rangiku having left made me think yet some more about Kurerisa and our brawl that night. I'm not sure how much I had, but I knew I had hurt her through my words. I would like to say it was merely because the heat of the moment, but I had a feeling I would had said those things any other day.

And I wasn't about to lie to myself about anything that transpired. It may very well have caused the headache and churning stomach I suffered from since the event.

And there was no denying it. There was something different about that girl; not even considering her past of which she was so oblivious of. Her power, of Darkness, used for good- she was so odd; although, I have always tried to see how her power reflected her soul. Nothing seemed off about her.

Maybe I just didn't want to see anything rotten about her. I mean, she was one of the few people who understood me. Not only did I respect that, but maybe I took it into account too much. Maybe I was over exaggerating all this time about her abilities or her considerateness, or her in general?

… Maybe I've been too heartless to realize the true her?

"_Apparently you don't care. You don't care about anyone, do you? Wow. I guess I am stupid. I should have known someone as _heartless_ as you couldn't…"_

"_Couldn't what?" _

"_You couldn't love, especially not me."_

I shook my head from the thought. What was I doing? She was clearly foolish, driven and ignorant. Of course anyone would have said something like that. And of course it was naught for me to contemplate or fret about. Evidently, I was tired and needed some rest.

I laid my overwrought body across the low-to-the-ground couch, much to weary to stumble all the way to my futon. Sequences of lengthy yawns were snatched from my lips before I started to be whisked away into my solitary escape.

The night is young, just as I, and I show no mercy to my surroundings as I flash step as quickly as my aching body allows. The dark, underlying source of energy grows stronger as I make my way higher up upon the steep corrugated mountain. The power is wavering, like a flame is within a slight breeze; it was there, and then it would fade away- it was of two minds.

What does this mean for her? I don't want to think of that. I don't want to know. I just keep telling myself that I am almost there, and that I can taste it- I almost can. Through my panting and my sting and my throbbing headache, I taste the hint of dimness lingering in the air.

I can feel her surrounding me. Cascading over me. Creeping into my ever conscious body. Like she is right there, her hands and thoughts exploring me. She calls me forward, and I respond with quickly picking up my pace over the abundant rocks once again.

And what I find is devastating. It's absolutely revolting.

There she lays, body sprawled aimlessly across the ground, wounds etching her entire body. My breath is caught in my throat as my fist discharges and I let my sore, large eyes crawl over her. If she were hurt anymore, she would have been dismembered.

Half-slaughtered, the girl, no older than I, lies with eyes open wide with a torturing quintessence of ultimate hurt and astonish. Her lip trembles like my fingers do.

"KURERISA!" I holler with all my strength, tossing my Hyourinmaru to my right as I leap forward in absolute upheaval. My body suspended above her for what felt like minutes, the only smell prevailing over me was the sweat and blood that embraced her injured body- which drove me mad.

"Get away from me." I hear the girl gasps through gritted teeth. My eyes burn like never before.

"What the hell!? Who did this to you!?" I shout at her, vehemently grasping her by the bleeding wrist that was tossed sloppily away from her carcass.

"I said get away from me." She snarls between more frenzied wheezes twisting her arm tenderly away from mine, showing struggle through her visage.

"But, Kurerisa, I-", I try to state some sort of soothing sentence, but her movement cuts me off.

"Get away from me-" She coughs out, blood trailing down her cheekbone as she seizes her fingers deep into the ground and tears herself up from her laying position- cuts and bruises more visible in the moonlight. She coughs into my face words that are hard to digest.

"-Before I kill you."

I had never seen her even slightly as driven with fury quite as so, and I show I grasp that and some primary connotation to the circumstances as I release words that don't quite feel whole. They soak the pain from my throat, leaving a deep hole of frustration and irritation.

"You don't remember me."

Her face appears just as sore as the pulse corroding through my veins. I watch her catch the very breath she was saving in her throat as she stumbles backwards, tumbling to the coarse ground as if she would go to any length to escape me. She fiercely compresses herself in her own arms, a new look of fear overlapping her façade as she rocks backwards. I can see that she is digging her nails deep into her flesh, and it makes my own skin crawl at the sight of the palpable twinge.

I am frozen. I feel so useless, watching her shudder against the cold soil. I don't know what I can do but watch her torment her very self. I look into her eyes. They are full with itinerant sentiment.

"Stop that." I can finally release through my chilling lips. I see her watch my arms dragging hers' away with a sense of utter confusion and terror_._ I can see the indents of where her nails had etched her skin. The next thing I comprehend is her shaking foot jolting me away from herself.

Confusion is still prominent in my eyes. I can feel it overwhelm my being. I have never felt so alert before in my life. I watch her stumble backwards gawkily again, out of my casted shadow, as she pants from whatever is again pulsated over her.

"You don't remember me." Is all I can say again, watching eagerly for her reaction. I hear a hiss catch brutally within her throat.

"Who are you?" Her voice cracks simultaneously, along with a cleave of twinge in my torso.

"… Please," My voice announces, softer than before. "Ask yourself that."

The way she looks at herself. I know that what I feared was entirely true. And the way she shudders and curls over at the twitch of her body, she looks up and says something that truly caught a type of attention I never knew I could share.

"… This is me?"

I clutch her eyes with a strict embrace, wishing she would remember...

""Kurerisa-", I speak with complete, dead exposure, "-Kurerisa Meri Gyutosuki."

"N-no." She hastily snatches my haori by the collar, ravenously dragging my face in to her features, as she huffs into my mouth the scent of blood, "How would you know… who are you?"

She looks up and into my eyes as I snatch her hand away from my vest, holding it with a sudden impulse of ignorant act. She was fading. "My name is Toshiro Hitsugaya." I close my eyes.

"You don't remember me," I breathe in a rough grunt of air, "I'm not sure if you want to." I think over everything that I just saw. I open my eyes filled with revulsion and coldness once again, voice insensitive as I speak, "Do you remember anything?"

"Should I?" Her voice sounds soft, like the one I know.

She steals her hand away from mine in a swift motion, before clasping it over her stomach and moaning with her hoarse voice. My eyes widen even so, bringing my hands to myself in pure shock. I want to hug her, to make the pain go away. But I can't.

"Kurerisa?" I can make out, grasping her greedily by her shuddering shoulders. "What's wrong?"

Another shudder ripples down her spine as she opens her mouth and releases a seeping trickle of hot, sticky blood. My blood chills over and freezes at the sight.

"Kurerisa!" I shout, shout again like there was no time, because it feels simply like there isn't.

Even though I was now holding her, I feel no satisfaction as I watch her convulse in ultimate hurt, see her tremble in defeat- I feel nothing close to it. I watch every breath she heaves for like it is her last. I clutch her harder then I had ever clutched anyone before, childlike eyes flowing freely with hurt.

_That's just a dream, though._

_You're not like that…_

_You're…_

My head shoots up and I am once again in my room, sweat lingering on my overheated forehead. I steady my breathing before sitting up, face once again dead with expression.

_I haven't seen that for such a long time, _I told myself, forcing back a shiver rippling through me. _Who ever knew that I was so immature and naïve? It was something that I distinctly remember, trying to get over- trying to overcome the very thing that could kill even the strongest souls._

Kurerisa was stronger than that time, so now, it was safe to say I wouldn't act like that anymore. I had no reason to be afraid, or worried, especially not based on a dense nightmare. Not on a past experience. That would just be a fault on my part.

But I guess I couldn't get a new thought out of my head.

I understood how much it would hurt her, possibly even make her hate me even more then she already had… but she needed to know about her past. Everything that happened, everything I lied about.

First off, in defense, I was a child at the time. Of course I would lie to spare her feelings.

Secondly, over the past years, even through all the challenges we had faced together- re-adapting her bankai, pasting together lies of her history, and discreetly teaching her anything and everything about the Seireitei- I never found once a time I needed to provide the truth of her past.

But now, I could only fear for the worse.

Don't ask me what the worse may be.

But it was something that I couldn't let hurt anyone.

Not Matsumoto, not Hinamori, and especially not Gyutosuki.

And I think that it all starts with pointing Kurerisa's aspect in the right direction again. This involves me, the only other knowing soul of what had happened on that night and all the truth before… to tell her. To tell her everything she could ever had wanted to now straight from the beginning.

And now she will know when she least expects it.

When she least wants to know.

When she hates me the most.

"You didn't lose your memory… I mean, you did, but not the way you think. It was not in any means related to cerebral hemorrhage…" I tell her, tightening my jaw as her features fall short and weary.

"What do you mean? _Of course I did_, I mean, everything you've told me-"

"- Was a lie." I finished for Kurerisa, not even sure if that was what she was assuming. If this hurt at all, it was because she trusted in me and believed every word I said. _And that's nothing, right?_

"What… what are you saying, Taichou?" She whispers, clasping her hands together and shrinking back into her mute-colored room. I could only follow after her with the same sore, stubborn look I was so accustomed to wearing. Her eyes searched mine earnestly.

"… I've said many, many things… and… I apologize."

"What… what things have you…?" I can see her disregard the evident lump in her throat.

"Kurerisa… you're not weak, I know what you assume; and if you have ever felt like you are, then I know why. And I know and accept that you may never wish to speak with me again, and that's pitied upon, but understandable-"

"You're making it sound like _you_ don't want to talk to me again."

"-and…" I blink, tightening my fist as I discount her words, "Kurerisa, you were almost a Captain. And everything was fine. And…" I sucked in a breath. "Everything happened because of me."

I could feel her eyes already cutting daggers into mine.

"Excuse me?" Her words come suddenly and rushed, as she gives me a look of repugnance.

"… You didn't forget everything due to head trauma… and, yeah, it may seems as though everything that has ever happened before was the dream life, but trust me, if all of this never happened, you would never be where you are today-"

"Just tell me what the hell happened already!" She shouts to me, eyes wide but trembling, like the rest of her nimble bodice. She looked furious, like an animal- but at the same time, I could note how supple and sore she felt, as her voice dropped and she bleated, "Please."

I take a long inhale before letting my eyes stare bleakly into the distance.

"Her name was Shidoni. Shidoni Izaberu," I make out, before shutting my eyes, memories filtering through my head as the story devastates my every thought "And I remember her well. I should, she was my third seat." I ignore the quick inclination of her eyes to mine.

"But I never trusted her. That feeling I got around her- was the same feeling I would have felt around someone like Gin. And my better judgment did the Court Guards well. I was lucky to have suspected foul play." I shift my weight.

"Knowing and intending well, I subjected myself, within regards of the Gotei 13, to withhold the place of my 3rd seat… and dismiss her from our existence. I could not let someone who I didn't trust work under me. It just didn't work like that.

"I don't care if it started a riot back then. It saved us from a lot more destruction, I could feel it. I still know what I did was right, nothing could change that. But, as I should have well alleged, she wanted revenge. _Searching for the taste of victory_… even after she was defeated. It was so entirely ignorant. So she started a rampage within our very own streets.

"My Division easily took care of her. It was as if she lost the very will to live at one point. She couldn't move any further. It's amusing, because I know why that had happened. _She fell in love_. I don't know how anyone could be so god damned stupid to do so. I mean, she practically stood there and killed herself, over lost emotion, or dedication between her and Abarai. How egotistical-"

"This woman was in love? With Fukutaichou Abarai?" She asked with an underlying tone of disbelief. I resisted rolling my eyes.

"Yes-"

"How does this have anything to do with-", her voice cracked, before I raised mine.

"Shut up for one second and I can tell you." She just nodded at my crude remark.

"We were convinced she was gone. We erased any mention of her in our history. And newer recruitments didn't know of her subsistence, and so what was there to fear? We had disposed of her.

"It's funny how ignorant even someone like I could be, when it comes to the destruction of souls. You can never be promised that they will be forever diminished. They can resurrect themselves if they have a reason or even hollowfy themselves. And I guess that was the case

"She came back for you. A motive, though, I never discussed. I was never worried, because I was sure that it would never happen. And when she did what she did, I was so overwhelmed with… confusion." I quickly ended, then placed a hand on Kurerisa's shoulder.

"She took your memory, Kurerisa. She took everything you have ever experienced, every hint of happiness you ever experienced… and she owns it all now. She possesses everything you have ever thought or done or yearned before. And it's my entire fault."

"How… how is it your fault?" She whispered voice weak as she perceptibly held back tears.

"I… don't know." I managed, giving her a look of aversion. I knew that I knew, too, which made it worse. And all I could do was lie again. "I'm sure it had a lot to do with you taking the same position after her tenure, obviously. Therefore, I shouldn't have put anyone in that seat…"

"Oh." She released, moving away from my reach and tumbling back into the darkness more so.  
"I don't understand. I mean… why would you lie?"

"Just bear with me and understand it was for the better."

"And where is she now?"

"Long gone."

"How do you know?"

"I don't."

"Why don't you love me?"

"I don't- excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Why do you always, _always_ have to make something worse than it already is? Can't you just accept that I am making an effort here!?" I literally spat into her face, even knowing I was overreacting.

"I don't care about anything, okay!? I don't care about whatever happened to me, or if you had anything to do with it!" She paused, brushing a teardrop from her burning cheek. "Can't you see…?"

"There is nothing to see but the obvious, Gyutosuki. And that is that you need to forget about me."

"You're wrong." She whimpered, moving towards me swiftly now, before standing nearly inches before my irritated façade, "The past doesn't hurt, and I don't care. I love you, and I don't care. But you don't love me… and knowing that feels worse than any damage a blade could do."

"You would have thought you could have grown tolerance to it by now…"

"That's impossible, Taichou- heartbreak is much worse than feeling hurt. You're none but numb."

"I would rather be numb then have to feel naïve expressions like yours. You should find yourself lucky." I breathe into her face. I could feel an impulsive squall of heat radiate from her very stature; it was that same pressure that always dangerously lured me in.

"You're unbelievable." She releases into my face, face displaying absolute mourn.

"I'm doing my job." I make through taut lips.

"Your job is to break my heart and tear my very soul?"

"If you get in my way, I presume that's what happens."

"In your way of _what_!?" She scoffed, forcefully pushing past my side, moving past and beyond me. I just stood there, knuckles pleading in pain as I crushed them against my clammy palm.

_In the way of everything_, I issue to myself, as I find my throat exceedingly dry- _in the way of my very core being, you stupid girl. How could I ever let myself fall for someone like you? I couldn't ever let that happen. So I won't. It will be easy._

"Kurerisa, wait," I finally sigh, turning to the doors of her dim room "I still want to tell you-"

"Oh, no, Taichou! I will not keep you from your duties." She sardonically made out, moving towards the exit way, dragging a basket behind her central filled with soiled clothes.

"My duties are also making sure that my inferior are comfortable within their work area! So let's talk about-", I attempt to apologize, following after her movements with a forceful matter, before-

"Well, I guess you not only failed your job but me as well," her eyes cut daggers into mine, "Mission accomplished, and I hope you're proud."

"Kurerisa, I-", I attempt to holler, but before I can say anymore, the paper door was already closed before me. I let out a low, irritated grunt, and crossed my arms.

Closing my eyes, I could feel her voice still ring inside my head, as if to taunt me. Prior to all of this, I had an abundant nap, so I didn't see how I could have let her issue of overreacting slip my mind.

_Oh, she was the one overreacting, was she,_ the deep, booming voice of Hyourinmaru silks and waves into my head. I grimaced as I slid out the door.

_Of course she was. We both know it had nothing to do with me. _I reply simply in my psyche.

_What, failing your job or her?_

_Oh, shut up._

_Make me._

_Bastard._


	3. ERADICATED ANTIDOTE, Gyutosuki

▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ ▆ → OYASUMANISAI ＊Tanrei-naAkuma _**!**_ **Kurerisa Meri Gyutosuki**

" _Good Night Handsome Demon "_

"What do you see in that boy, anyways?" The short girl asked me, the most peculiar expression displayed on her face. I grimaced and snatched her wrist.

"It's Histugaya-Taichou, not boy, or any other of your dense nicknames for him." I sneered, freeing her hand as she squealed in defeat.

"You have anger problems."

"I would."

Andoriana Naikoru Kapuraiianenko was the long, tiresome name of the Soul Reaper that sat before me in the silken sunlight, dark-blonde hair glistening and hazel eyes shimmering with her liquid happiness that most preferred to bask in. And usually that wasn't too much to ask of her.

"Just, tell me. Why hurt yourself over him?" Her face presented some ignition of worry.

"I'm not hurting myself," I lied through my teeth, sinking back into a puddle of bad posture "It's just that I can't let go. And I don't know why."

"Sometimes you have to trust in letting something go… therefore, you can see, when it comes back, that it was worth it in the end."

"Histugaya-Taichou wouldn't come back, though. And it's sad I know that for a fact and still can't do anything about it." I sighed, allowing my head to descend into my palms.

"So then you're stuck on the feeling of merely wanting, I see." She dryly replied.

"You know what, why don't I just go talk to him- that would make it _all _better." I snapped back.

"Yeah! You should!" She blinked rapidly.

"I was kidding! Are you _insane_?"

"What? Are you kidding me? Talking to him is the only way to make anything here better."

I just gave her a death glare, one that would make a body churn in its grave.

"_What_!?" She frowned.

I couldn't say anything back though- simply because, I didn't know how to say all the thoughts so rapidly roiling within my mind. I knew that in many cases, yes, she would have been right- that one could get over it, which someone should forget of it, that everything could work out in the end.

I could only stare because I knew that the only thing I could say would only make things worse, and I couldn't object to speaking with him because I clearly had to eventually, he was my superior. I couldn't move because my body froze over with a tension quite unconceivable.

"Andoriana." I stated quickly, strained.

"Yeah?" She looked towards me reluctantly.

"I think my heart just broke."

The way I said it, the way it rolled off so ceaselessly and crisp, it seemed as though there was no denying of the very fact. Which, for I, there wasn't. There couldn't be. I knew, that in this world, your words must speak true, and your soul not wear thin. But for some things I found too late.

It was several hours later when I was finally alone, confined and condemned within my own quarters, sulking and aimlessly talking to my zanpakut o.

_Kurai Namida, please speak with me._ I sobbed, clutching myself by the knees. I heard no answer, and then sprawled along the floor, tossing out and off of my futon and covers, breathing in sharply as the cold air caressed my burnt body. Although a thought no longer could be spared from my mind, I felt down deep inside an emptiness that never before had transpired while I had got these sequences of attacks.

I could've screamed, unlike before. I could've just released every murmur and moan and shout that forced its way out. I could've done a lot of things to disturb the abrupt tranquility that so often had showered the Seireitei on full moon night like these. But, no. I was too selfless.

Terrycloth soaked with sweat and saliva was then the only thing to sufficiently silence my screams and prevent my profuse teeth-grinding. I felt the tassels of the cloth rage at my tongue, my eyes wide and shuttering as my body releases massive tremors below me.

I wanted to die. I truly just wanted to fade away, and forget all this physical pain. Nothing emotional could've fazed me over the several minutes of copious hurt. I didn't even remember when I had fallen asleep. But I do know that I had appreciated that moment.

The next morning all I could do was lay in bed. I thought of Taichou. And the way he treated me. I realized I was being such a bitch. He treated me like, if not better, he would anyone else. It was true, yes, that he didn't love me, and nothing he could say could change the way I felt about him; but, it was also true that I was intensely lucky to even know someone like him.

And then I thought of the irony about this whole thing. I mean, Taichou doesn't care about anyone. right? Then why did he lie to me in the beginning? Was it not to spare my feelings? A faint smile tugged at my loose lips. My whole body felt disjointed. I felt… broken.

My head and chest and limbs all felt so heavy, I thought, when I finally reached the gates of the 13th divisions' barracks. I walked into the area, breathing in the faint scent of incense and candles. Then I craned my head around to search for Andoriana.

Andoriana was the Fukutaichou for Taichou Ukitake. I remember, though, when he had no Fukutaichou at all. That was when he was very ill. This, if you ask me, was not very intelligent. Not having someone there to help you? Although he did have two of his 3rd seats, dedicated to him, so…

"Kurerisa?" A soft voice came from behind me. I smiled lightly, and then twisted to the sight of the sound. There stood a tall woman with sleek, brunette hair, cascading down to her knees.

"What are you doing here- oh, uh, _ew_. You look… dead beat." She made out with a quizzical expression. This was Kurisuchin Wakkuman, my other very close comrade. Her words didn't faze me, and rather I yawned to further establish her point.

"Worse attack yet, last night. It was a party. You should've come." She blinked rapidly, understanding what I meant.

"Well, I would have, but I didn't get the memo."

"That sucks. You could've brought the chips and dip." I smirked. She gave me a soft smile back.

"I really think that there is something behind it. I mean, it's not like all of a sudden you're just going to die. Why don't you just take more time to rest?"

"I'm trying. But…" I rolled my eyes and decided to change the subject before I had to bring up Hitsugaya Taichou. "Where's Andoriana?"

"Oh, right. I was actually coming to tell you. Most of the Captains are being sent into the human world for a while. I wanted to know why, but it seems like its more confidential then public." She shrugged, placing her hands behind her back, than looked up to the sky with her faint brown eyes.

The first thing that came to my mind was being without Taichou for the remainder of this arrangement. But I quickly shook it absent of my head and ignored him over. "What does that have to do with Andoriana, though?" I pursed my lips and crossed my arms.

"Well, not all the Captains can go, of course. So some lieutenants are replacing them in position either way, I guess. So I take it that rather Jushiro, Andoriana will be departing." I groaned at her words.

"I wish I was a Fukutaichou, or a Captain." I sighed. Then I felt a sudden lump in my throat.

"_Kurerisa, you were almost a Captain. And everything was fine. And…"_

"Kure?"

"What?" I blinked.

"Oh nothing, man. You were just zoning out."

"Ah." Was all I put out. I let my eyes drop to my feet.

"… We should go see if we can find her, and wish her a happy trip, I guess." She sighed, also clearly upset about not participating on the mission.

Kurisuchin was 5th seat under Taichou Kuchiki, in the 5th division. I remember the first time she found out, she was so giddy about the special number, and being so close a rank to her Captain. Why do I always get the feeling its glamour-effect wore off? I followed her out, past the gates.

I didn't know where she was leading me. I couldn't pay attention. I was just searching and attempting to divulge within my memories. All that I found. Were items that didn't matter.

I wanted to know everything before. I wanted to feel all the pain that Taichou thinks that I felt.

_What are you trying to do?_ Kurai's voice came to my head. I continued following Kurisuchin, even as I directed my attention towards the bottomless, masculine voice.

_What do you mean? I'm just walking._ I narrowed my eyes at the comforting beckon of gloom.

_No. In your head. I have this sudden impulse to remember things that aren't there…_

I gulped. I didn't think that the bond between the two of us was that strong. Every time that was indicated, I was always interrupted. But Kurisuchin continued to walk. So I listened to his silken voice.

_I don't know what to do anymore, Kurai. It's like I want to know, so badly. But I don't._

_You would think that you wouldn't care at all. That's what you told Toshiro._

I winced. That was true. And it felt like it was true when I said it. Yet, wasn't it Taichou who always brought the worst of me out? I clenched my jaw.

_Even if you said that it'll be alright, I just want to let you know that no words can soothe or fix the unknowing. I will always be… empty, apart from my remembrance-_

_Kurerisa, you are the unknowing. You are the emptiness. We are the fear that strikes people in their darkest minutes. We are the very thing that keeps you from knowing. We are the death of that endless void of pride and happiness. We are the death. We are the dark._

I knew what he was referring to; our power. But, at the same time, I also knew what he was trying to influence. I sadly knew it wouldn't work.

_It's funny. I am the dark, am I? Well isn't it ironic? _I felt his thoughts pause.

_People fear the dark. People hate the dark. But don't they feel the same towards greatness? Towards power? Yet are they not mere contradictions?_

_And…? _He hinted at my right mind track.

_A sign of greatness is yet a fact that some fear you. No one fears me. This makes me no target. Yet a sign of greatness is also people hating you. People hate me. Taichou hates me. Even I hate me. So what can this make me; a contradiction of a soul? Or a depiction of reality?_

_You know what I find funny?_

_What's that? _

_That we were talking about your memory. And now it seems like you forget where you are._

_What-_

Abruptly I found my front pressed against a bundle of material, concealing a brick wall. I blinked rapidly, but I was blinded by the mass before me. I tried to gasp, but a roll of fabric rather secreted within my mouth. A small cry rolled off my lips due to my sheer shock.

The wall moved away from me. I gasped.

"Taichou-sama!" I briskly announced, falling away from him.

"Taichou-sama?" I hear Kurisuchin come from behind.

"Taichou-sama." Toshiro growls into my face.

"He- ma, eh-", I stumbled, clearly flustered.

"Oh. Captain Hitsugaya." Kurisuchin walks forwards now, declining her head in respect. "Our apologies, neither of us saw you there."

"Clearly." He looked away from her and grimaces at me. "No matter. I need to speak with you, Gyutosuki." He closes his eyes in ineffective and walks past me.

"Sorry, Kurisuchin-kun, I have to-"

"_Gyutosuki. Now_." His voice came ragged. He walked away slightly faster.

I just shot her an apologetic smile before stalking past her and after Toshiro.

"I'm surprised." He looked over his shoulder.

"What? Of what are you referring to?" I frowned.

"I'm just surprised she doesn't want to knock your head in after what you addressed her as."

"Well, Taichou," I glared at the back of his head, "she knows I have good intentions and doesn't care for names. She has a heart and it isn't tempered easily."

"You speak of her with such a catalogue of respect. If only she was your _Captain_."

"Oh yes; because that's all I could _ever_ dream of."

"It would be."

"It should be."

We snapped a few other, short, uncouth snarls on our way to his office. I could feel all the heat rushed up to my face by the time he brusquely sat down in his chair and looked away from me.

"So, Taichou? You can yell at me, but not look at me? Am I really that displeasing?"

"That's not important right now." His eyes scorched into mine. "What is is that I am leaving you in charge whilst Matsumoto and I take absence."

"Well, well, isn't that just a dream come true."

"Oh shut up. You know very well _nothing_ is going to happen, so you can just-"

"No, oh no, I wasn't referring to you and your big-breasted girlfriend. I was merely hinting at the fact that I can't wait till you leave this damned place."

"Oh. Is that so?" His face went unvaryingly close to livid.

"I swear on my life." I emitted into his face as I leaned onto his desk.

"Well, good, then- I wouldn't want to have to hang around you anymore, either."

"Oh, really, now?"

"Yes, _really_."

"Prove it."

"Excuse me?"

"That's right. Show me. Show me you hate me. _Prove it_."

"Well, I guess I will-"

"Hit me."

His face fell a little. "Excuse me?"

"Hit me. I dare you to. Show me you hate me." My voice broke.

"… Kurerisa, I-"

"You can't do it? Then do something else." I started to feel hysterical, "Do something. Show me you hate me. Please. If you're gone, I need to know. I need to know you don't care."

"But, I…" He almost looked confused. No, not confused, nor angry. He just looked… blank.

He said nothing after that. I leaned there, face inches away from his. I was so close to him, it was exhilarating in the most depressing way. I couldn't breathe. But he could; I felt him exhale along the very plains of my face, effortlessly, as if I weren't even there. Because I wasn't, right?

This had to have been a dream.

That was the only justification. He couldn't have been there looking at me like that. And I couldn't have been there, receiving that gaze, moreover. It couldn't have been like that. So it wasn't.

I would have been declared fearless, though; but this was just a dream. So I wasn't.

My arms snaked around his waist; and I would have been drenched in his icy reiatsu; but this was a dream, right? So I wouldn't have been. Right? So how come I _did_ feel it?

I stretched my fingers across the small of his back, hearing his too-good-to-be-true breathing catch. I brought one, then two knees up to the top of his desk, paper and other items being tossed to the ground as I crouched before him, pressing my chest then my stomach against him. Everything was silent.

I pressed my forehead against his neck, just so I could curve it up while driving my slick, salivating tongue up and along his smooth skin. My fingers came to graze over his perfect stomach, while my lashes just tickled at his covering.

I pop opened my mouth when I reach the lobe of his ear, lips quivering against him. I released three simple words. And not the ones that I thought I would be saying, whether this was a dream or not. Not the three I have before dreamt of saying; it was three no one had ever dare said.

"I want you." The words trickled out of my mouth, eyes closing in cowardice as I delicately kiss his ear. He still didn't move. So I moved my head again, so I could etch a whisper across his skin; "Toshiro…" I released- simply, because, I wasn't afraid.

I guess I should've been. But I wasn't. This may have been why I was caught off guard.

In one second, flat, my back was slammed against the top of the desk, my arms still groping Toshiro and legs pitched behind him. I flinched, blinking, Toshiro's face once again unceasingly close to mine. I almost wanted to cry, even though the dream wasn't turning into a nightmare. In fact, it was quite the opposite,

Toshiro, I had just realized, looked tremendously mad at me. His eyes cut daggers into me, and although there was that fire burning in his eyes, I could feel a more advanced version of the familiar chill radiating off of him, body just hovering above mine. My knees just grazed his trim waistline as I raised them in fear, noting his arms secured tightly on either side of my head.

I wasn't going to lie. I was terrified, now.

"Why?" He growled at my face.

"I-I don't know… sorry." I hushed.

"Why do… why do you do this to me?"

I almost yelled into his face. I really wanted to- until I saw that look in his eyes. Was it not the same look I saw those two hundred years ago, only evident as a more mature element? Was it not a mixture of anger, confusion, perhaps, happiness? Whichever way, it was gorgeous.

He breathed in shallowly. "Why do you make me so god damn weak?" He ended on a rough note; I licked my lips and avoided his eyes. I was somewhat lost.

"Why do you want me so badly?" He questioned as I looked into his eyes cautiously. I couldn't answer, though. I could just stare.

"And, how do you," he paused, eyes glancing elsewhere, before he looked back, less flustered and more straight-faced ", make me want you back?"

I caught my breath. Of course I couldn't have believed what I had just heard. And I thought that I would be lying there, staring for eternity. Yet then Toshiro lowered his head.

And our two lips collide.

And it was like the whole world stopped spinning. Like, nothing else mattered. Not even that bitch, Shidoni, or Kurai Namida, or anyone else. The perfect minute couldn't have been any shorter, though. I just wanted to stay with him, like that, for the rest of my life, ravishing with bliss. Yet, I realize, the first kiss is the only initial moment I had ever thought of relishing as sweet. So I deepen the already passionate kiss, hands carving around his neck as my tongue danced with his, heart flying out of my chest.

I forced myself away from the searing kiss, feeling strange waves of internal happiness washing up from my legs to my head. I was almost dizzy as I rest my head back atop the desk, hand still clasped about his top. I almost moaned when he tilted my legs up with his body, as he stood, embracing me. I didn't know how he could have walked, out of the blue like that; my legs shaky, as he carried me.

He laid me across his futon, then stood aside and looked down at me. I forced myself to sit up, and I quickly grabbed his ankle. He just stood there, though, with that blank expression of his. I ignored the crying of my body and tucked my bangs behind my ear, a whimper forming in my throat.

"I... know what you want to do-"

"Please." I cried, yet to drown out the sensation growing as I plead at him with sore eyes.

"It's just that I can't-"

"Please." I repeated, determined.

"You don't under-"

"Toshiro, do you want me?" I snapped. He stopped and looked into my eyes.

"Yes." He said very calmly. My heart stuttered.

"Because I need you."

Toshiro had stopped, he was thinking. All I could reflect, though, was; if he needed to think about something like this, maybe it shouldn't be happening.

But my thought was rather interrupted by the lips of my love.


End file.
